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Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm.

It was a disaster!

Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!


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A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.

Paddy ordered a whisky.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and ...

IDIOT
SIGHTING No. 1




My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the girl a £5 note. Our total was £4.20, so I also handed her a twenty pence piece. She said, 'You gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know but this way you can give me £1 back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so ...

Let me see if I've got this right...


IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOUR.

IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.

IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET SHOT

IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE JAILED.

IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.

IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ...

December 31, 2009, 5:22 PM
Press Release: Union Negotiations


Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will ...

Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Law of ...

The TAXATION DEPARTMENT decided to audit Grandpa, and summoned him to their Office. The Taxation Office Auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his solicitor.

The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Taxation Department finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?' ...

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. ...

Once there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She
loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and
somewhat lively reaction to her.

Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent that
they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle
man, he would never go for this carrying on."

She made the supreme sacrifice ...

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?



Wonder no more!!!


It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.


The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring
throughout its life.


If a penguin ...

These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides ...

Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to imagine how their mind is working....
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors,
flash cards, special learning centers.
In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came ...

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

------------------------------------- ...

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

I The Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely. ...

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kind of hacked off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads. He'd surely be less visible to predators for one thing.

Anyway... this yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother. He begs her, "Fairy Godmother, please make me brown like the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators and ...

This made me laugh out loud.
I hope it will give you a smile!
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby,
checked his weight, and being a little concerned,
asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
"Breast-fed," she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She did. He ...

Fred & Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon,
so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny , Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.


She replies, 'No'.


Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom ...

An old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nations capital.
He motioned for his nurse to come near.
"Yes, Father?" asked the nurse.
"I would really like to see the Prime Minister and the Chancellor before I die" whispered the priest.
"I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to Parliament and waited for a response.
Soon the ...

Subject: A Letter from Wayne ...be sure to read to the end!



A Letter from Wayne ...

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try to show some understanding. My name is Wayne , and let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Beverly.

When I ...

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is About to shoot when he hears,
Ribbit 9 Iron.'
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears,
Ribbit 9 Iron.'
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his chosen club ...

The surgeon took John's wife to one side and said. I'm sorry my dear but your husband is dying and I dont give him more than three months.
"So is there anything I can do to ease his passing?" asked Jane.
"Well, in the mornings you could give him breakfast in bed, some light and fluffy omelette with the trimmings and some coffee should be OK and if he feels amorous them jump into bed ...

An old couple went to the docs for a checkup. Ruby was fine but Arthur complained saying "I don't know why it is that when we make love, the first time I'm hot and sweaty but the second time I'm cold and shivering. The doc took Ruby to one side and asked if she could throw any light on the matter. She said "The daft old beggar, The first time it was July and the ...

Three worker of different ethnic backgrounds were having their lunch on the building site. One says "I always get beef sandwiches, if I get them again I'll throw myself off the crane". His mate pipes up "And if I get haggis again so will I". The third one joins in and says "And if oi get cheese again den oi'll be joining yez" The following lunch time they opened their boxes to find they still ...

Ooer! (not porn) http://users.skynet.be/pdauwe/ursula_martinez.wmv

Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age,
in a small coastal Irish community.

After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during
sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a
climax once in a while..
So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there
was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village.
The Vet didn't have a clue, but ...

Confucius Says:

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Man who run in Front of car get tired.

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Man who run behind Car get exhausted.

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Man with one Chopstick go hungry.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who scratch butt Should not bite fingernails.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who eat many Prunes get good run for money.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

War does not Determine who is right, war determine who is Left.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put Husband in doghouse soon find him in Cathouse.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who ...